As you can see, you’ll need to do more work on building the connection with the audience - both through storytelling and through explaining more about why your products stand out. Also, your social proof is weak - better reviews (more detailed - even fewer is ok) might help..
Before you even reach here, check your analytics - are people dropping off right at the top? Or are they scrolling and dropping off? Also, have you generated sufficient traffic? Most shopify stores initially have relatively poor conversion rates to start with - so if you haven’t yet gotten 200-500 visitors, maybe that’s the first thing you work on.