TLDRl; I'm not adding to the discussion, merely thanking the rare person who's provided an actual solution on this forum.
I can't tell you how appreciative I am to see an actual solution on this forum. I haven't tried your solution yet, but from the effort you put into this, I'm feeling pretty confident. My results are irrelevant, though. The fact is that you went to considerable effort, and that is what I'd like to thank you for. This kind of response is table-stakes on SO, but here, you're actually setting a precedent. With the profusion of people posting pimping their "app," or simply responding just to bump up their engagement numbers, yours is the first post I've seen on this forum that actually responds to the question, with nothing to gain. I've been on here for a year, and every time I see "community.shopify" in my google results, my eyes roll, and I think to myself, "here we go."
Thank you very much, Tejas. I hope many others follow your lead.